Geese Pun

Q: Why are geese so talkative all the time?
A: Because the love goosip!

Contributed by the illustrious A.H.

(Rating: 3/5)

Caper pun

My friend cooked a chicken dish with a sauce mixed with capers.  However, the capers (which look like small, green berries) did not taste the way they had expected.  They handed me a sieve and asked me to try to fish the capers out of the sauce into a separate bowl while they went to tidy the other room.

However, the sieve didn't work very well.  The sauce was too lumpy, and many of the capers were mixed in with the chicken.  After a few minutes, and only a dozen or so of the capers, I gave up.

When my friend re-entered the room, they asked me,

"Did it work?  Where is the sieve?"

I replied,

"It's in-caper-bowl."

(Rating: 3/5 -- works both ways with heavy contrivance.)

Egg pun

I was making an egg scramble.  I asked my friend if she wanted to help.

She said, "Omelette you take care of it."

By PFP

(Rating: 3.5/5)

Funnel pun

 A friend ground up chocolate pieces into small chips in a mixer, to be used for hot chocolate later.  They wanted a way to transfer the ground chocolate from the wide mouth of the mixer into a small bottle.

I suggested they used a hollowed-out salad spoon.  They could pour the fine chocolate in the spoon part, then slide it up the tapering handle and into the bottle.

 The spoon worked, funnely enough.

(Rating: 4/5, works both ways)

Extremely high quality wall pun: A dramatic retelling

 This excellent pun was conceived and exposited during a brief constitutional on a campus with a good friend.

Them: Heavens!  It appears as though our ingress into the area ahead is precluded by the presence of a chain-link barrier.

Me: Yes, how o-fence-ive.

(Rating: 2/5.  Could be a 1.5.)

Dog-boat pun

Q: What does a dog do when its boat lands?
A: It disem-barks.

(Rating: 2.5/5.  S'okay.)

Cape Pun

Q: What do you call the slang name for a cape?

A: A cloak-quialism!

(Rating: 2.5/5.  Colloquialism, cloak-qualism?  Close, but a bit contrived.)

Rough Seas Pun

 Q:  What do you call a disturbance on the sea?

A: Comm-ocean!

(Rating: 3/5.  This pun graciously supplied by the esteemed contributor Ms. X.) 

Flower pun

 My mother mentioned that she wasn't planning out the locations of the orchids.

I said that the garden might end up looking dis-orchid-nized.

(Rating: 2.5/5.  Takes a few tries to get it to sound right.)

Fabric/sewing pun

One of my friends sews as a hobby and they were trying to get me to try.   This is a slightly (very) embellished retelling of our interaction.

Them: "You should really try!  There are so many great patterns you can use."

Me: "I'm sure they're really printeresting, but getting me into the hobby is a cloth'd cause."

Another Pumpkin Pun

 Q: Have you seen how pretty pumpkin purée is?
 A: Yes, it's gourd-juice. 

(Rating: 4/5, works both ways)

Shellfish pun, pt2

Q: What do you call someone who feels bad for eating shellfish?

A: Shrimpathetic

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Criticism Pun

Q: What do you call someone who is an expert in criticism?

A: A con-noisseur

(Rating: 2.5/5.  Pretty boring.)

Alchohol Pun pt. 1

One friend was complaining about the taste of beer.

I replied,
"After a while, it becomes beerable."

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Guitar Music Pun

Recently, an acquaintance mentioned that most of the well-known compositions for the classical  guitar were originally written for the lute, and that modern pieces were of lower quality.

I said:

Over time, the pool of guitar music became de-luted.

(Rating: 3/5)

Dessert Pun

Q: What do you call spoiled custard?

A: Off pudding.

(Rating: 4.5/5.  Works both ways.  Credit A.D.)

Amphibian Pun

Q:  What do you call a convicted axolotl?

A:  Gilled-y


(Rating: 2.5/5.  Seriously, when are you ever going to be able to use this?)

Programming Pun Pt. 2

After struggling with heapsort for a couple of hours, my roommate finally gives up.

I say,
"Looks like you can't take the heap."

(Rating: 3.5/5)

Programming Pun Pt. 1

A friend was trying to make heapsort but was frustrated it wasn't working.

I said,
"Sounds like you're out of sorts."

(Rating: 4/5)

Ursidae Pun

I was having a conversation about grizzlies.

Someone else:
"That reminds me, there's a Paddington Bear movie out soon."

Me:
"That's bearly related."

(Rating: 4/5)