The web! (Web pun)

What do you call groups of people who socialize on line?

A (dot)com-unity!

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Setting up puns.

If one is not careful, puns will go punoticed, and the funniness is greatly reduced if you have to refer back to what the other said.

Therefore, setting up your puns is highly important.
I recommend using the phrase,
"You could say that..."
before your pun.

Double Pun! (Phone pun/scissors pun)

The last day's puns were two bad, so I'll post two twoday! (That wasn't one of them.)

When ever someone's phone rings:
"HAVE FONE!
Perfect the hybrid of fun and phone for maximum effect.

(Rating: 2/5)

A scissors salesperson:
"These scissors are the cutting edge of technology! Whoever made them must be really sharp!"

(Rating: 3.5/5)

On second thought, nevermind.

Friend:
Hey, will you teach me how to play that card game?

Me:
Sure, but it'll be c-hard for you to win.

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Full of it! (Food pun)

My friend was placed into a Foods class although he did not sign up for it.

Friend:
Ugg! It is so boring!

Me:
I guess you could say you are fed up!

You can use this when talking about a restaurant, too.
"I'm fed up with McDonalds!"
(Rating: 3/5)

Letter know about my blog!

As with numbers, letters can be punified. This is exceptionally useful to do with grades or multiple choice answers.

Often, these are better subtly inserted into the conversation.

A: That was A good grade for me.
B: I think it is the second answer. It better B.
C: I C. You are right.
D: Not studying for a test and doing badly could be considered a D-feat! (This one is pretty terrible.)
E: That question was E-asy! I completed most of that test with E's/ease.
Etc.

(Rating: 1.5/5; Don't use these often.)

Seven Ate Nine!

There are a good number of puns that can be made on... numbers!

Friend:
Man, that pun sucked. I rate it a zero out of 10!

Me:
0 No!

Friend:
A one/ten.

Me:
That is 1 low rating!

Friend:
...2/10.

Me:
That is two low!

Friend:
4/10.

Me:
How FOURtunate. Still, a little low four me.

Friend:
*Head explode.*

(Rating: 2/5)
Don't say it.

These puns are hairable. (Hair puns)

Hair is a ideal pun word. Let me show you it's uses.
*Recently, I have been growing my hair long, and it has become a topic of conversation.*
Other:
I think your hair looks nice!

Me:
Really? It doesn't look herry good to me! I think I'll cut it.
Other:
No, it looks better long.
Me:
Better long? You are making me feel harried!
Other:
Ha... But seriously...
Me:
Hairitic! Burn them! Stop them from spouting this hairesy!

(Rating: 2.5/5, all together: 4/5)

Oh no, our teacher is gone! (Subsitute pun)

*Our teacher tells us that he will be out on Friday, and that we will have a substitute teacher.
Me:
That is sub-optimal.

(Rating: 3.5/5 - It works in both ways)

On scary dogs and films. (Terror pun)

I'm terrierfied of dogs!


*Friend describing a bad scary movie that he made."

Me:
That sounds horrorble!

(Rating: 3/5)

Music Puns!

*My brother talking about choir*
Me:
I don't think I should take choir.
Brother:
Why?
Me:
I really hate music. I can't bar-a-tone.
Brother:
I find your puns base.
Me:
No need to hate them just because they are off beat!

(Rating: 3/5)

Weigh to go! (Weight pun)

I was standing in line to use a electronic scale, and I thought of this pun.

I'm weighting.
(2/5)

Additionally, if someone looses some weight, tell them "Weigh to go!"


(3/5)

So remember... (Anger management pun)

Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat, and one got pissed off.

(Rating: 4/5)

...don't fight on the toilet seat.

Generic. (Fruit pun)

The search for food in the apple orchard was FRUITFUL!

(Rating:3/5)

Wicked Sick! (Illness pun)

(I fell under the weather just a week after the start of school.)

Getting sick just a week after school started was ill luck!

(Rating: 3.5/5)

Never ceasing to... (Labyrinth pun)

This puzzle you created really a-mazes me!

Real-life situation:
I had built a maze out of furniture.

Friend:
"This is really cool!"

Me:
"Yeah, it is a-maze-ing."

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Doggedly making puns... (Dog pun)

Thankfully, there hasn't been a situation to use this in yet...

Non-existent friend:
"Oh no, my dog ran away!"

Me, but not yet:
"Doggone it!"

(Rating when it happens: 4/5)

I'll sit on the ground. (Seating pun)

Hooo boy, lotsa puns today!

*I come back and find my chair occupied.*
"Oh no, I have been de-seated!"
...
"I'm gonna have a sit!"
...
"As you can see, I'm pretty up-sit about this."
>.<
"I suppose you wouldn't want to chair?"

(Rating: 2.5/5, overall effect when used together: 3.5/5)

Edit -Haha, SITuation

On feet. (Feet pun)

Friend:
"I walked around without shoes for 4 weeks!"

Me:
"That's quite a feet."


(Rating: 4/5; good timing)

Father:
"Darn, I scratched my toe a bit."

Me:
"That doesn't sound toe bad!"
(toe, too?)

(Rating: 3/5)

Wow, just wow. (Amazing pun)

Okay, so there was this tribe called the Trids. Every day, a giant from the mountains would come down and kick them around. The Trids quickly tired of this, but were powerless to prevent the giant. They went to town looking for help, and found a rabbi. They told the rabbi of their plight, and he agreed to help. The next day, the giant came down to kick the Trids, but he found the rabbi in his way. The rabbi said,
"If you want to kick the Trids, you'll have to kick me first!"
The giant laughed, and replied,
"Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

(Rating: 4/5)

Any offence taken is punitentional.

What do you get when you cross oranges and a synagogue?
Orange Jews!

(Rating: 2.5/5)

Make it stop! (Quiet pun)

Punny way of telling someone to be quiet:
The sound you make a-noise me.

After a good musical performance:
I'm a-sounded!

(Rating: 2/5)

Pointless puns

I could make a pencil with two erasers, but there wouldn't be a point.

(Rating: 3.5/5)

Has a flat pun-ch line, too

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A FLAT MINOR!

(Rating: 4/5)

Tired of puns, too? (Car pun)

Confucius say: Man who run it front of car; tired. Man who run in back of car; exhausted.

(Rating, 4.5/5)

Bikes pun

Why couldn't the bike stand on its own?

It was TWO TIRED!

(Rating: 4/5)

The pun at the end of the tunnel. (Light pun)

Whenever someone is about to add a light bulb, open the curtains, get a flashlight, or do anything that will increase the amount of light in a room; this pun can be made.

What a bright idea!

And:

How enLIGHTening.

(Rating: 4/5)

Ohm my god! (Electricity pun)

Electricians often argue over current events.
...
My electricity puns don't seem to be sparking your interest.
I'm shocked!

(Rating: 3/5)

Damn those ungulates! (Giraffe pun)

What do you call a stampede of giraffes?
...
A GIRAFFIC JAM!
Hahaha!
Please don't kill me!


(Rating 3.5/5)

H-2Oh No! (Water pun)

This is one of the best puns I've created, due to it's versatility.

Other person drinking water from a glass.

Me:
Water you drinking?

"Water" should be prenounced close to "what are."

This pun can be used anytime anyone is doing anything with H-2O.

(Rating: 4/5)